E-mails (Vlad’s World)

Inspired  by the sketch Telegrame (Telegrams), by a well-known Romanian writer. This is a fictional point of view about how Romania is perceived in the world and how it is perceived by some of the Romanians themselves.

From: Queen Margaret II of Denmark <QMaggieII@yahoo.dk>
To: Queen Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom <QLizzieII@yahoo.co.uk>
Sent: Tuesday, April 5, 2016 10:49 AM
Subject: Troubling News

Dear Liz,

Our subject, Mr. JK, who is now in Budapest/Romania, has some trouble there with your newspaper The Sun. Do you know anything about this? I thought you should know, as you loved JK when he was dancing at The Royal Ballet…

On the bright side, how are you? Your great-grandchildren George and Charlotte are so cute!

Kisses,
Margaret 2

From: Queen Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom <QLizzieII@yahoo.co.uk>
To: Queen Margaret II of Denmark <QMaggieII@yahoo.dk>
Sent: Tuesday, April 5, 2016 3:45 PM
Subject: Re: Troubling News

Dearest Margaret,

Thank you for your note. I just spoke to my PM, and David told me that this is a misunderstanding. First of all, it’s not Budapest/Romania, it’s Bucharest/Hungary, but that’s just a detail. And that tabloid The Sun, as awful as it may be, has nothing to do with your subject. It seems there is a guy from that country, who has the same name: Sun (or Soare, in their language)…

What is puzzling is that David told me that JK is having really big problems with… Dracula from Transylvania. I thought this was a fictional character, but it’s not, he is hiding under his older real name, Vlad. What a lack of imagination!

Please, dig more on this matter, as it’s your subject, but I’m really concerned and I will try to help you with anything you might need.

And of course, those little devils are really my joy. Little George is so funny, he asked me yesterday how old  I am, as I look very old :)))))

All the best,
Elizabeth 2

From: Queen Margaret II of Denmark <QMaggieII@yahoo.dk>
To: Queen Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom <QLizzieII@yahoo.co.uk>
Sent: Tuesday, April 6, 2016 11:25 AM
Subject: Re: Re: Troubling News

Liz,

That’s very gracious. You silly old lady, Dracula is no longer among us, it’s just a poor guy with this name, Vlad. Those Romanians use peculiar names indeed.

I will write to him, asking to solve the problem and if any harm is done to my subject I will count on you to take my side and punish this country. They want access to Schengen and all sorts of other goodies. Schengen, my royal old arse!

Best,
Margaret 2

From: Queen Margaret II of Denmark <Margaret.II@kongehuset.dk>
To: valexandrescu@gmail.com
Sent: Tuesday, April 6, 2016 2:11 PM
Subject: Ballet and Opera scandal

Mr. Vlad,

I hope I got the correct e-mail address.
We are following with concern the treatment our subject Johan Kobborg receives in your country. I’m asking you to solve this problem in a proper manner, as right now the situation is outrageous up to the point that I will publicly ask for your resignation if the crisis continues.

Looking forward to receiving your solution,
Margaret II, Queen of Denmark

 

From: valexandrescu@gmail.com
To: Queen Margaret II of Denmark <Margaret.II@kongehuset.dk>
Sent: Tuesday, April 6, 2016 2:12 AM
Subject: Re: Ballet and Opera scandal

Your Royal Highness,

Your Royal Mail is an honour and a very pleasant surprise  for me and for my country. It is very refreshing to see that culture is so important for such a great person as you are.

The Kobborg situation is under control. I will do my best to solve this problem ASAP.

I would also like to take advantage of this opportunity created by your message to kindly ask you to donate 5 million € that I need for buying a Brancusi masterwork – Cumințenia Pământului (The Dullness of The Earth – I hope I translated correctly, cause my primary foreign language is French), as I know that you are rich. That would be of great help to me.

My resignation is out of question. I will offer you instead the head of Moțoc Rareș, my Opera consigliere.

With my deepest respect,

Grandson of the great literary critic Tudor Vianu
French culture enthusiast and scholar
Ex-ambassador in Luxembourg
Environmental activist
The most active ministry of culture of all times
Enemy of the real estate mafia
Vlad Alexandrescu

 

From: Queen Margaret II of Denmark <QMaggieII@yahoo.dk>
To: Queen Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom <QLizzieII@yahoo.co.uk>
Sent: Tuesday, April 6, 2016 6:25 PM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Troubling News

Dear Lizzie,

I wrote to that scandalous man, and I’m apoplectic. He asked me to bribe him! The corruption of this country (by the way, the correct name is Bucharest/Romania) is much worse than I imagined, it’s even worse than in Russia.

Now, on a political side, a message from your PM is by far stronger than from our side. Please ask David to take some measures.

Bisous,
Maggie

 

From: PM David Cameron  <david.cameron@gov.uk>
To: Dacian Ciolos <dciolos@gmail.com>
Sent: Tuesday, April 7, 2016 9:30 AM
Subject: Opera and Ballet

Dear Julien,

I hope you’re well. What’s going on with this scandal at the Opera? I know you have a lot to deal with, but this is coming from Her Majesty The Queen and I have to ask you for a resolution. I really don’t want to interfere in your politics, but you know, sometimes things can be connected in all sorts of peculiar ways and it will be a pity to spoil other good stuff we achieved together, just because of a dance problem.

Best regards,
David Cameron
PM of UK

From: Dacian Ciolos <dciolos@gmail.com>
To: valexandrescu@gmail.com
Sent: Tuesday, April 7, 2016 9:31 AM
Subject: ONB

Vlad,

Te rog rezolvă problema de la ONB urgent și în mod favorabil lui JK. Dar ai grijă să rămânem totuși în control acolo.
Te aștept apoi la mine la birou să discutăm cum facem cu donațiile pentru Cumințenia Pământului. Adu și statueta cu tine, poate ne inspiră.

Julien

From: valexandrescu@gmail.com
To: Dacian Ciolos <dciolos@gmail.com>
Sent: Tuesday, April 7, 2016 9:32 AM
Subject: Re: ONB

Julien,

E rezolvată deja, mai trebuie doar să fac publică decizia. Soare va fi adjunct, Conta va fi director general. Kobborg revine pe poziția lui. Cu Rareș mai vedem, nu cred că mai continuă.

Sper să-ți dau vești bune pentru problema Brâncuși. Am făcut rost de bani de unul singur. Sunt așa de bucuros, vom rezolva problema achiziției atât de repede, încât am putea chiar să candidăm noi la toamnă.

Cu drag,
Vlad

From: PM David Cameron <david.cameron@gov.uk>
To: Queen Elizabeth II <elizabeth.II@royal.gov.uk>
Sent: Tuesday, April 8, 2016 9:00 AM
Subject:Fw: Romania Report (classified)

Your Majesty,

James Bond, our MI6 agent, was tasked with investigating this matter. Please find, attached to this message, his report.

Forwarded message:

From: James Bond  <agent007@sis.gov.uk>
To: PM David Cameron <david.cameron@gov.uk>
Sent: Tuesday, April 8, 2016 0:00 AM
Subject: Romania Report (classified)

Mr. Prime Minister,

There was no need to travel to Romania, as the persons indicated for investigation are currently using gmail accounts for both their personal and official communication. A simple question to our agent at Google Inc. solved the investigation entirely. I’ve already sent you the mails exchanged between this minister and the Queen of Denmark, where he is clearly asking her for no less than 5 million € to solve the problem.

It would be inappropriate for me to formulate political advice, but their amateurism speaks for itself. And, My God!, what a long title has the ministry of Culture! I had to check and I discovered that the Romanian media use those sumptuous phrases too, when they refer to that man.

At your service,
Bond. James Bond

From: Dacian Ciolos <dciolos@gmail.com>
To: valexandrescu@gmail.com
Sent: Tuesday, April 7, 2016 9:31 AM
Subject: ONB

Vlad,

Please urgently solve the issue from the National Opera in a favorable way for Mr. Kobborg. But also take care, we need to remain in control over there.

I’m waiting for you at my office, we need to discuss the way we will deal with the donations campaign for The Wisdom of the Earth. (A/N: That’s a Brancusi sculpture that the Romanian State wants to buy from its private owner). Bring the statuette with you, too, it may inspire us.

Julien

From: valexandrescu@gmail.com
To: Dacian Ciolos <dciolos@gmail.com>
Sent: Tuesday, April 7, 2016 9:32 AM
Subject: Re: ONB

Julien,

Consider it done. All we need is just to go public with this. Soare will be deputy manager, Conta will be interim general manager. Kobborg will return to his former position. Regarding Rareș, we’ll think about him, I don’t think he will make it.

I hope to bring you good news about the Brancusi problem. I managed to obtain all the required money by myself. I’m so happy, we will solve this acquisition matter so soon that we might start thinking about running for the autumn elections.

Yours,
Vlad

 Notă: Nu încerc să insult inteligența nimănui cu precizarea că textul de mai sus este un pamflet. Dar așa se obișnuiește, să se specifice clar.